My two lost children, Ceylon and Angola, are represented in these two little white angels and they are forever in my heart.

Following a painful and abusive five year relationship my life was a train wreck. This was in the 1990s before there was consciousness about what sustained trauma does to a person. Unaware that I was in an emotional tailspin I found myself making destructive choices. I felt broken and inadequate so when I found myself pregnant, not once, but twice, abortion was all I could imagine handling.

 The 2nd abortion did me in. I broke my own heart. I was devastated by the fact that instead of being strong and loving enough to be a Mom, I was incapable, a mess, a loser. To cope with my shame and guilt I barricaded those thoughts behind a thick wall of disassociation. My feelings were clamped down tight as well – fortified against any penetration and what I believed would be nothing but more pain.

 I was able to make an outwardly successful life for myself – business, career, friends, house, cats, travel. However, always lurking was the deep regret of making myself childless, and losing the two beautiful souls I did not give a chance at life to. 

 That was until my life was changed. In 2001 I had the unmistakable and gently relentless call to become a Catholic. Through months of persistent “knocking at my heart”, as I characterize it, I finally decided to set aside my great trepidation (being Catholic was the last thing I would ever have thought becoming) and I investigated the steps to doing this. The instant the Pastoral Care Coordinator told me that I could join the Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults to embark on this path, the most amazing peace overtook me. I was where I was supposed to be and I immediately felt the beauty of being God’s beloved daughter, with his favour resting on me.

 My only conundrum in becoming Catholic was the shame I harbored from having had two abortions. I also feared the rejection that would surely come my way when I confessed this. But my fear was entirely misplaced. My confession was heard with love and compassion, and a pointer to a way to complete my healing from this painful past.

 The pointer was to Rachel’s Vineyard, a weekend abortion recovery retreat. I signed up for the soonest available session and immediately arranged travel! The rest was all provided for – a comfortable and welcoming retreat centre. And gentle, skillful and safe guided sessions enabling me to let the love for my lost children come to light. The step to give my lost children names allowed me to feel them, care for them, and ask them to forgive me. And to complete my healing, I was shown the way to know, in the deepest reaches of my heart, that God forgave me too. 

 I still struggle with regret, but no longer is it bottled up in a mix of shame and fear. I have been freed from a lot of pain. The Rachel’s Vineyard retreat validated that I did suffer a deep wound by having two abortions. However, the retreat allowed me to acknowledge the terrible toll taken on me, and then, in God’s light, finally heal from that sorrow.    

-Participant